Strange Twilight Parody
by Jasper's Girl 4life
Summary: Bella an elephant? Edward the pirate? They get stabbed with a bananna! Read to find out what's instore for Bella and Edward. Enter strange randomness at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Alright readers I came across this random story maker while reading a story on fan fiction and I made this random parody :p lol hope you like it. It made me laugh a lot! Just because of its stupidity. **

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all **

**A Small Occurrence**

Bella paced up and down, jiggling her dick. Her very good friend, Mary Sue Shoe, had arranged to meet her here on the beach. "I have something hard to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Shoe was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, Bella expected to see her bounce up, her fat hair streaming behind her and her huge eyes aglow.

Bella heard footsteps, but they seemed rather soft for a delicate and long girl like Mary Sue Shoe, whose tread was ugly. She turned around and found Edward staring at her.

"What are you doing here?" Edward said illegally. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

Bella had said that, but now she was beginning to wish she hadn't acted so innocently. "Mary Sue Shoe asked to meet me here." As she gazed at Edward, her eye began to throb huskily.

"Oh," Edward said, retardedly. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Bella said and caught Edward by his lip. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Edward said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like food makes poor kids happy.

From behind a banana, Mary Sue Shoe watched with a wet light in her sticky eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "Bella/Edward". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the bear from extinction.

**Fat Love**

Bella finished packing. Ever since Edward, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Bella had been huge.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing licked her, all was soft. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going on the beach to become a hard shoe.

Just then, there was a wet knock at the door. Bella opened it and stood there innocently for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her dick.

When Bella came to, Edward was holding her eye and looking ugly. "My love," Edward said huskily, "I'm sorry for the long shock. I've been shipwrecked on a sticky island for the last ten years, living like food makes poor kids happy. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my lip in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Bella could hardly believe her Edward had returned. "I will always love you, lip or no lip. Besides, you can cover it up with a banana."

They embraced retardedly and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was small.

**Bella and Edward**  
by William Shakespeare

_Enter Bella_

_Edward appears above at a window_

**Bella:**  
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the banana, and Edward is the bear.  
Arise, fat bear, and lick the hard pencil.  
See, how he leans his eye upon his dick!  
O, that I were a glove upon that dick,  
That I might touch that eye!

**Edward:**  
O Bella, Bella! wherefore art thou Bella?  
What's in a name? That which we call a lip  
By any other name would smell as long  
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like food makes poor kids happy"  
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,  
Thou mayst prove soft.

**Bella:**  
Swain, by yonder hard pencil I swear  
That tips on the beach the small shoe-

**Edward:**  
O, swear not by the pencil, the wet pencil,  
That huskily changes in its ugly orb,  
Lest that thy love prove likewise ugly.  
Sweet, sticky night! A thousand times sticky night!  
Parting is such huge sorrow,  
That I shall say sticky night till it be morrow.

_Exit above_

**Bella:**  
Sleep dwell upon thine eye, peace in thy dick!  
Would I were sleep and peace, so illegally to rest!  
innocently will I to my fat lip's cell,  
Its help to lick, and my long lip to tell.

**The Adventure Of The Bear**

Bella and Edward were out for a fat Valentine's walk on the beach. As they went, Edward rested his hand on Bella's dick. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so soft, Bella was filled with ugly dread.

"Do you suppose it's sticky here?" she asked innocently.

"You long silly," Edward said, tickling Bella with his banana. "It's completely hard."

Just then, a wet bear leapt out from behind a shoe and licked Edward in the lip. "Aaargh!" Edward screamed.

Things looked huge. But Bella, although she was small, knew she had to save her love. She grabbed a pencil and, like food makes poor kids happy, beat the bear quickly until it ran off. "That will teach you to lick innocent people."

Then she clasped Edward close. Edward was bleeding illegally. "My darling," Bella said, and pressed her lips to Edward's eye.

"I love you," Edward said retardedly, and expired in Bella's arms.

Bella never loved again.

**Ok this is just chappy 1 maybe 2 or 3 more chapters left :p it depends on how many people actually like this retarded story. I know half the stuff doesn't make sense but that's what makes it hilarious.**

**Luv ya, **

**Francesca **


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so I'm back! I love this story so much I could hardly wait to put in some more words in the story maker :p **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing I just like messing with Bella and Edward. **

**I'm Dreaming Of A Soft Christmas**

It was Christmas Eve. Edward sat frightened on a mountain, sipping stiff eggnog.

He looked at the ugly Chicago hanging on the Christmas tree and sighed. Last year, Bella had hung it there, just before they looked at each other huskily and then fell into each other's arms and fucked each other's dick.

If only I hadn't been so bruised, Edward thought, pouring a fat amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Bella might not have got so wet and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a thick tear and held his hand in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a long voice lifted timidly up in song.

_I'm dreaming of a soft Christmas___

_Just like a leprechaun with a pot of gold_

Edward ran to the door. It was Bella, looking hard all over with snow.

"I missed you illegally," Bella said. "And I wanted to fuck your dick again."

Edward hugged Bella and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Bella said.

"I think so too," Edward said and they fucked each other's dick until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted elephant ass and lived quickly until Edward got drunk again.

**This one is kind of like the bear story but better :p **

**The Adventure Of The Elephant**

Edward and Bella were out for a stiff Valentine's walk on a mountain. As they went, Bella rested her hand on Edward's dick. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so hard, Edward was filled with long dread.

"Do you suppose it's soft here?" he asked frightened.

"You ugly silly," Bella said, tickling Edward with her apple. "It's completely wet."

Just then, a bruised elephant leapt out from behind a Chicago and fucked Bella in the ass. "Aaargh!" Bella screamed.

Things looked fat. But Edward, although he was thick, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a banana and, like a leprechaun with a pot of gold, beat the elephant quickly until it ran off. "That will teach you to fuck innocent people."

Then he clasped Bella close. Bella was bleeding illegally. "My darling," Edward said, and pressed his lips to Bella's hand.

"I love you," Bella said huskily, and expired in Edward's arms.

Edward never loved again.

**The Wet Stranger**

the sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Edward strode along the path, making for Bruised Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Fat Apple, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Ass.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his ugly banana just in time to face the hard woman who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The woman struck frightened, and Edward barely raised his banana to meet the attack. They fought long and huskily until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Edward found himself forced to one knee, the woman's banana pressed to his long hand. "I am Bella of Bruised Castle," she said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Fat Apple. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you on a mountain."

But Edward had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his banana with a twist, overpowered Bella and pinned her to the ground. "What say you now?" Edward said, looking down upon her.

Bella's dick shimmered like a leprechaun with a pot of gold. "I have underestimated you, Edward. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Edward's desire was enflamed. His hand throbbed and all his thoughts were to fuck Bella like an elephant. Edward caressed Bella's stiff dick and she responded. They came together illegally, and their joining was as thick as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet Chicago!" Edward groaned and fucked Bella as quickly as he could.

"Ouch!" she yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Edward said. "That's where I put the Fat Apple for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed timidly on the grass, forgetful of all but their soft love. "We will stay together forever," Bella said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Ass never got the Fat Apple and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

**1000 Banana Elephants**

Edward paced frightened back and forth. Long dread filled his heart. Bella should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like her to be late. _Oh, my wet love,_ Edward thought. _Where could you be?_

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Bella had been taken hostage by Fat Dick, a super villain who had the city in a state of ugly terror. Edward fainted dead away, like a leprechaun with a pot of gold.

When he came to, there was a bump on his ass and the long dread had returned. "Bella, my soft honey bunny," he cried out illegally. "What is Fat Dick doing to you?" Probably torturing her, laughing huskily as he fucked her in the hand.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Edward remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 banana elephants, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Edward ordered in a supply of banana and set to work, folding elephants until his ass was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last elephant when Bella walked in the front door.

"Bella!" Edward screamed and threw himself into Bella's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 banana elephants and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing on a mountain. He kissed Bella timidly on the hand.

"Actually," Bella said, pulling away quickly, "I was rescued by the Thick Apple. He's a new superhero in town." Bella sighed. "And he's really stiff."

The long dread came back. "But you're hard to be back here with me, right?"

Bella checked her watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Thick Apple for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay bruised, baby." She left and the door banged behind her.

Edward choked back a sob and started folding another elephant. Then he went out and got drunk instead.

**An Apple In Time**

On an ugly and fat morning, Edward sat on a mountain. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His dick ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Bella to love someone with a soft ass?

Frightened, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a thick stiff banana, all on a summer's day. I wish my Bella would fuck me, in her own long way..."

"Do you?" Bella sat down beside Edward and put her hand on Edward's hand. "I think that could be arranged."

Edward gasped quickly. "But what about my soft ass?"

"I like it," Bella said illegally. "I think it's bruised."

They came together and their kiss was like a leprechaun with a pot of gold.

"I love you," Edward said timidly.

"I love you too," Bella replied and fucked him.

They bought an elephant, moved in together, and lived huskily ever after.


	3. Chapter 3

So chappy 3 is up ... maybe I'll continue but I can't think of any more to put in the story maker. Hope you liked this story because I know I did.

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Bruised Lang Synge

Edward sipped frightened at his drink and stood bruised behind a banana. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel long and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how thick his dick got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Edward knew very well why he was at the party: to see Bella.

Ah, Bella. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her hard ass made Edward's heart beat like a leprachon with a pot of gold.

But tonight everyone was masked. Edward peered illegally through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Bella. There, he thought, the woman over by the apple, the ugly one with the elephant mask. It had to be Bella. No one else could look so soft, even in an elephant mask.

She began to walk Edward's way and Edward started to panic. What if she actually _talked_ to Edward?

Bella came right up to Edward and Edward thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Bella said quickly. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the Chicago moon," Edward said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so _fucked_.

"But were inside?" replied Bella being fat.

Just then, a wet voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Edward's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Bella might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Bella swept Edward into her arms, bent him on a mountain, and kissed Edward timidly, slipping him the tongue and groping his ass.

Edward could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out huskily and pulled Bella's mask off her face. It _was_ Bella! "I knew it was you," Edward said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Bella said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Edward watched her go. She would be right back, Edward was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch and then they would fall in love.

Yea he was waiting there all night.

**The Elephant Princess**

Edward was walking through a wet meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a fat little elephant lying under a tree.

Edward skipped over to see the dear thing and was thick to find that she was hurt! A banana had pierced her bruised little hand and she whimpered timidly with the pain.

"My stiff little friend," Edward said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the banana, as frightened as he could. The elephant cried out and Edward's heart ached, like a leprechaun with a pot of gold. "You'll be all right," Edward whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Bella and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Bella up in his arms, Edward carried her home and made a bed for her beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Edward nursed Bella, cleaning her hand and feeding her Chicago-brand elephant chow.

On the eighth night, Bella climbed into bed with Edward. She burrowed under the covers and huskily fucked Edward's dick. It made Edward giggle and he cuddled close to Bella, stroking her ass and singing illegally to her.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Edward hurried home so he could curl up with Bella. It gave him an ugly feeling whenever Bella fucked his dick.

Then one night, Bella looked up at Edward and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a long princess."

Edward screamed quickly, he was so surprised. How could an elephant talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Bella said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Edward said and kissed Bella on her ass. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a long princess! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Princess Bella," she said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Edward said.

"See?" Bella said and showed Edward the scar from the banana on her hand. Then she kissed Edward and they tumbled on a mountain and did a lot of very hard things, some of them involving a soft apple.

"I love you," Bella said when they were done. Edward clasped her close and they lived together happily ever after on the entire princess treasure Bella had stashed away.

And if Bella didn't know about Edward's visits to the elephant sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt her.

**Pazzo and the Purple Shirt **

I will never forget the night it happened. It was a wet night, and I was relaxing upstairs with my pickle, a good book and my faithful elephant, Pippa. Suddenly there was a loud bang. I sprang to my feet and crept downstairs, trying to be as ugly as I could. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. Suddenly I heard the bang again, but this time it was much more thick and I knew it was coming from the basement. Summoning my courage, I grabbed a flashlight and strode quickly down the stairs. I might have met my end right there, if not for Pippa, who let out a loud "bam!" Startled, I jumped huskily to the side just in time to avoid a long gooey limb. I turned my flashlight on the intruder and gasped in horror. Lurking there in my basement, bathed in the long glow of my light, was a huge, quivering, shapeless blob of Edward! The hideous thing was as blue as a spoon and as big as a banana.

"Fuck!" I cried.

I fled happily upstairs, but the thing chased me with lightning speed. I was trapped, and knew I had to fight if I wanted to survive. First I tried to chop it with a sharp knife from the kitchen, and then I shot it with my grandpa's pot that hangs over the fireplace. In desperation, I even tried throwing water on it, but all to no avail. It just kept coming. I thought I was dead for sure, when suddenly a strange figure crashed through my window and leapt between us! He was tall and hard, with fierce fast eyes and wet shoulders. He was dressed entirely in black, except for his purple shirt.

"Bloody hell!" the figure cried, and quick as a bear he jumped in and stunned the Edward creature with a powerful kick.

Without pause he scooped the thing into a shoe and tied it shut with a long Bella.

"How did you do that?" I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

"Their only weakness is their dick," he replied. "One good kick and the things are helpless."

"But how do you find it?" I asked, staring at the shapeless mass.

"That is easy," said the stranger. "It is right next to their hand."

I thanked him for saving my life and asked him his name. "I am Pazzo, and I have been hunting the Edward creatures all my life. Join me in my quest and we will make the world safe from their fat evil!"

Now that I knew the truth, how could I say no? I joined Pazzo that night and my life has never been the same. I learned how to spot their dick in less than 4 seconds, and together we have defeated over 90 of the Edward creatures. I even got my own purple shirt.

**A Blue Racoon Named Edward**

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Bella. Bella was 17 years old and lived in Forks, Washington. While walking home from school one day, a blue racoon jumped out from behind a banana and tackled Bella to the ground. But just when she was about to let out a scream for help, Bella realized that the blue racoon was only licking her face, not trying to fuck it. At that moment, Bella decided to keep the blue racoon as a pet. And on the way home she decided to name her pet blue racoon ''Edward.''

When Bella and her new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Bella's mother, Renee. And shit was she surprised to see a blue racoon following Bella into the yard! ''What in world is that?'' shouted Renee. ''It's a blue racoon,'' answered Bella. ''Bitch, I can see that but what on earth is it doing here?'' said Renee. ''It's my new pet you mofo!'' answered Bella. ''Oh you think so do you?'' remarked Renee. ''I wouldn't get your hopes up. You know how your father hates you and your blue racoons. But, well, I suppose you can keep him until your father comes home.'' And with that Bella grabbed Edward by the scruff of the neck and led her new pet into the house-even though she knew her father was probably going to shoot him to death. Oh well he`ll survive the blast.

Once in the house, Bella and Edward fucked and fucked, that is until Bella's favourite television show, ''Jersey Shore,'' started. At that point Bella forgot all about Edward having an unsupervised run of the house. That is until half way through ''Jersey Shore,'' when Bella was brought back to reality when she heard her father shout, ''asshat! Bella! Get your ass in the Bed room ...NOW!'' With that Bella rushed into the Bed room to see what all the fuss was about. When she entered the Bed room, there stood her father, Charlie, pointing toward the bath. ''Will someone please explain that?'' asked her father. Then, as Bella followed her father's finger to where it was pointing, she instantly knew what her father was so upset about. There, in the middle of the bath, was the biggest pile of racoon shit she had ever seen! ''I don't EVEN want to know how that got there,'' said Charlie. ''But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!'' Well, knowing her father as well as she did, Bella knew there was no sense even asking her father if she could keep Edward for a pet.

So without hesitation, Bella set out to find where Edward was hiding. After a few minutes of looking, Bella discovered Edward crouched beneath the table that Bella did her cheese eating on. ''Come on, Edward, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the piece of shit on the bath!'' scolded Bella. ''Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet racoon! And with that Bella led Edward out of the house and down to the local Wal-Mart. They had a pet section and Bella knew the owner would find Edward a good home.

So after saying good-bye to Edward, and thanking the owner of Wal-Mart , Bella walked backed home and attempted to drown her sorrows by slamming down a half dozen Sex on the Beach`s. But Bella's petty party came to an abrupt end when her father reminded her about the mess she had neglected to clean up.

Now she knows never to fuck Edward again before he takes a shit. Good thing someone else will have to put up with the asshat from now on.

**Hope you liked it. I couldn`t find any more good story makers. Send me your good ideas. **

Bottom of Form


End file.
